I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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