She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
