forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
