I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
