i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
