Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize