so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I AM VODKA MAN
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
