Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
