I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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