just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
