you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
