My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
