textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
how drunk are you?
Several
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
