alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize