The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You have to summon your inner elephant
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
