I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize