Do you still have your period?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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