Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
