meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize