dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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