I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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