My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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