I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
