You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
