So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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