So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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