My sheets look like a crime scene.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
