Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
