I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
