I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
