Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
