You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
