so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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