everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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