John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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