I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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