He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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