you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
