So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
