I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
