I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize