aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
