i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
