Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
