just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
