Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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