what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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