I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Alive.
So much puke
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
