Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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