Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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