tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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