you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
