woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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