so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Randomize
