how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
