yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
