im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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