i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
