ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
